chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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