His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
