At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
