I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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