new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
