Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
