my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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