I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
