my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
