K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
