Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
