dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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