ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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