the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
