I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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