apparently the secret to your success is patron
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
