she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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