just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
