am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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