He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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