East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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