remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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