We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
