Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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