dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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