my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
