forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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