the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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