Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
