hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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