Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
