billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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