Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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