I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My life is pants optional.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
