remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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