I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
COCAINE IS GR8
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
