if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
