Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
