all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
