Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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