Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
