it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
