Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
