Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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