I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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