I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
