I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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