You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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