matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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