My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
