you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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